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Key events
Back to the captaincy. “England dropping Stokes,” says Niall Mullen, “reminds me of an absentee father erratically laying the law down having paid no attention to his kids for months on end. Sure, it feels like the right thing in the moment but, without follow through on the actual day to day issues, the kids will continue to fail to thrive and actually view the father with even less respect.”
A modest proposal
“I share many of the thoughts being expressed about the ECB,” says Kim Thonger. “We do seem to be in a proper pickle. Is it worth experimenting with trial replacement of the entire management team with Perplexity Max?
“It’s £200 a month so obviously a clear financial case, but its ability to analyse extremely complex problems in nanoseconds and deliver holistic solutions in minutes, would surely improve matters. I pay for and use it myself for almost everything I do these days. It not perfect but it’s considerably closer to perfection than the ECB.
“It didn’t write this by the way, the grammar and syntax would have been better if it had.”
Lunch: NZ finding it too easy
81st over: New Zealand 345-6 (Mitchell 66, Smith 30) Root keeps Fisher on, but decides not to take the new ball right away. “And the reason for that,” says Stuart Broad, “would be…?”
“Dunno” says Mark Butcher. “At a loss! If you weren’t going to take it, Joe Root might as well have bowled these two overs himself.”
James Rew, standing up to the stumps, Blundell-style, makes a good sharp take down the leg side. But he may be alarmed to see Fisher bowl a bouncer, which Smith hooks for an effortless four. It’s not the only four in town as New Zealand lead by 445. England won the first hour, bowling much better, but NZ have won the second – and they didn’t even need to.
80th over: New Zealand 340-6 (Mitchell 66, Smith 25) One more over till the new ball and Nathan Smith decides to cash in, lofting Bethell for six and slog-sweeping for four. He’s made three-quarter of the runs in this partnership, 25 out of 33.
79th over: New Zealand 329-6 (Mitchell 66, Smith 14) And here’s Fisher! Possibly warming up for the new ball. He too is immaculate and that’s another maiden.
“Is it possible,” asks Pete Salmon, “Joe Root just isn’t a very good captain? Time to go there? Have we fallen for the Halo Effect? Great batsman, good bloke, so must be good captain?” I went there a few times during his five years as the official captain, when he was good at times but often played too safe, notably against New Zealand at Lord’s, when he didn’t even try to chase a gettable target. The strange thing this time is that he’s been quite different – funky to a fault, forever changing the plan – and just as ineffective.
78th over: New Zealand 329-6 (Mitchell 66, Smith 14) Here’s a far more explicable decision. Off comes Baker, with 13-1-62-0, and on comes Bethell, who has the best strike rate for England in this match with four wickets from just 18 overs. He has the knack Ian Botham had – of taking a wicket with a bad ball and a bit of chutzpah. It doesn’t happen here but, bowling to Smith, he manages a maiden.
77th over: New Zealand 329-6 (Mitchell 66, Smith 14) Mitchell sees that cover drive from Smith and matches it, with extra swagger, off Tongue’s first ball. Root stands at silly mid-on, so there’s just the one slip. With all these field changes, apart from anything else, he must be wearing himself out, when England need him to make a hundred later.
76th over: New Zealand 325-6 (Mitchell 62, Smith 14) Smith, who fancies a bit of Baker, plays a rasping cover drive for four and a comfy clip for two. He has 14 off only 17 balls. “Joe Root,” says Stuart Broad, “has played in three different fielding positions in the past five balls – leg slip, leg gully and mid-on.” Which surely can’t make it easy for a debutant bowler to settle.
75th over: New Zealand 319-6 (Mitchell 62, Smith 8) Archer does get his well-earned rest. Still no Fisher, who must have a niggle. Instead it’s Tongue, with two catchers on the leg side – silly mid-on and short midwicket. This seems a terrible idea on a seaming track, but it does keep Mitchell quiet and Tongue collects another maiden. He has 18-5-60-2.
74th over: New Zealand 319-6 (Mitchell 62, Smith 8) Baker continues and beats Smith with a ball that straightens.
Here’s Alisdair Gould, writing from Paris and coming up with an unexpected gambit. “For an expert on punctuation, maybe you would consider OBO as your weaker format of the game? Maybe a longer format would allow you to show off your technique. Anyway, I learnt about the interrobang this week. May I challenge you to use one before you hand over to Rob?!” Ha.
“The Direction of English Cricket is such a pathetic mess, I have nothing cricket worthy to write. In desperation I have turned to something that we can control i.e. punctuation.” Nice idea, but it’s something plenty of people can’t control. At the Oval on Wednesday, I saw a sign for Loaded Frie’s.
73rd over: New Zealand 316-6 (Mitchell 60, Smith 7) It’s funny, Joe Root, with his vast experience, is captaining England like someone who has never captained them before. And like someone who can’t remember ever overbowling Jofra Archer. He keeps him on now, when surely another rest would be wiser. After ignoring Archer for 90 minutes on Thursday morning, when England’s wheels were all over South London, Root is now ignoring Matt Fisher.
Archer has 8-0-23-2 today. Let’s hope that’s him done until the new ball is due, just after lunch.
72nd over: New Zealand 314-6 (Mitchell 59, Smith 6) Root takes himself straight off, rightly, and brings back Baker. His first ball is a bouncer so tepid that even a No 8 can hook it for four, but Baker is a quick learner, famous for taking notes on batters in his notebook, and he soon switches to line and length.
71st over: New Zealand 309-6 (Mitchell 59, Smith 1) Nathan Smith gets off the mark with a nurdle. The commentators show that Phillips was stuck in the crease, because Archer had pinned him back with the short stuff. Archer now has fine figures in this innings, 15-0-60-3. If there was any justice, he would have had a five-for on the first morning.
WICKET! Phillips c Bethell b Archer 3 (NZ 307-6)
I take it all back! Archer wins the duel, Bethell takes the catch at gully, Phillips has his first flop of the series and I’d like to congratulate Joe Root on his shrewd captaincy.
70th over: New Zealand 307-5 (Mitchell 59, Phillips 3) Root springs another surprise by bringing himself on. An off-spinner against two right-handers – why not Bethell, who moves the ball away from them? Mitchell may be licking his lips, and no sooner have I typed that than he plays a reverse sweep for four to reach fifty, 51 off 68 balls. He follows up with a dismissive cut for four and another reverse for four more. In between, to be fair, Root bowls a crafty arm ball that drifts past the outside edge. But all told that over was a gift to New Zealand.
Drinks: England better, NZ still in charge
69th over: New Zealand 295-5 (Mitchell 47, Phillips 3) Root responds to Phillips’ arrival by bringing back Archer. You can see why, but is it wise? He’s only been off for 20 minutes, and the second new ball is less than an hour away. Maybe it’s just for two overs. Archer duly hones his bouncer and dumps Phillips on his backside, where he spent much of Wednesday evening. And that’s drinks, with England much improved today – more orthodox, more accurate, more threatening – but NZ still leading by 395 runs. They could declare now and win by a street, unless Harry Brook goes bananas.
68th over: New Zealand 293-5 (Mitchell 46, Phillips 2) So here is Glenn Phillips, the batsman of the series, getting off the mark with a confident clip for two. I was at the Oval on Wednesday (many thanks to my son Dan) and Phillips was in a different class from the rest with his decisiveness, not to mention his courage in the face of Archer’s ferocity. If he’d been in the top five at Lord’s, New Zealand might now be closing in on a series win.
67th over: New Zealand 290-5 (Mitchell 46, Phillips 0) Root went for Sonny Baker rather than Fisher, preferring puppyish pace to seasoned precision. But he was wary with his field, posting only one slip. The ploy misfired at first as Baker found some bounce and Mitchell was able to ride it and guide the ball into the wide open space between slip and gully. But then Root, after a chat with Duckett, put himself at leg slip, and it worked a treat. A small triumph for Rew too.
Wicket! Blundell c Rew b Baker 16 (NZ 290-5)
The leg slip comes good! Blundell flicks a full ball off his toes, Root spills it, but Rew cleans up.
66th over: New Zealand 284-4 (Mitchell 41, Blundell 15) Two more singles off Tongue’s over. A Sky caption confirms that the ball has been moving more off the seam today than yesterday, so Matt Fisher could be effective.
65th over: New Zealand 282-4 (Mitchell 40, Blundell 14) Singles for both batters and when Archer tries a bouncer he bangs it in too short, so it sails away for four byes. England have already conceded more extras in this innings (16) than New Zealand did in the previous one (9), so the total score in that department so far is England 9, NZ 69.
64th over: New Zealand 274-4 (Mitchell 38, Blundell 12) Mitchell nudges a single, making that last factoid instantly obsolete. Tongue tries to york Blundell, who digs the ball out of his feet, then takes one on the hip bone and winces. Tongue tries the yorker again, and again it gives Blundell no bother. Root moves from slip to leg slip, a ploy he has surely over-used in this game. Keep it simple!
63rd over: New Zealand 273-4 (Mitchell 37, Blundell 12) The sun comes out as Archer continues. He dishes up his first freebie of the day, allowing Blundell to leg-glance for four. Blundell, always busy, even after a hard day’s standing up to the stumps, has raced into double figures and scored all the runs in this partnership.
62nd over: New Zealand 269-4 (Mitchell 37, Blundell 8) Tongue, not at his best in the first innings, is in the groove now. He keeps Mitchell quiet and collects a maiden.
“Looks like the weather at the Oval is on a par with us here in Fuerteventura where I’m enjoying my retirement on paradise island,” says Andy House. It’s all right for some. “No question that an awful chain of events has led to England fielding a team that has proved no match at the Oval for an excellent and battle hardened Kiwi side.
“Call me old fashioned, however but I cannot agree with the general Guardian stance that Stokes and Atkinson have been unfairly punished and that somehow the England team management have brought this crisis upon themselves.
“Actions have consequences and whilst none of us expect either the captain of the England team or his players to be saints, we do expect a certain level of responsibility and common sense from our millionaire elite cricketers not least after the debacle in Australia where I witnessed the final humiliation in Sydney.
“Truth to tell, Stokes and Atkinson thoroughly deserved to be dropped and they owe their team mates big time in the likely 3rd test decider after letting down their fellow players the management and the fans so badly.”
My stance, for what it’s worth, is not that Stokes and Atkinson were unfairly punished. It’s that their team-mates were unfairly punished. In a team sport, suspensions seldom make sense.
61st over: New Zealand 269-4 (Mitchell 37, Blundell 8) Jofra, bowling 87mph, finds the edge yet again as Blundell goes back and pokes with half a bat, but the ball drops short of Root at first slip. If only England had started like this on Thursday morning.
60th over: New Zealand 267-4 (Mitchell 37, Blundell 6) Blundell, who loves joining Mitchell to torment England, tucks Tongue for two and cover-drives for three, uppish but safe.
“Good morning.” says John Starbuck. “I was wondering if James Rew, unfortunately drafted in a bit too soon, should change his name to Roux, seeing it’s been something of a mixture so far.” Ha.
59th over: New Zealand 262-4 (Mitchell 37, Blundell 1) Classic Test bowling from Jofra, who eats left-handers for breakfast. He sauntered in, landed the ball on off stump and angled it away. This time Brook – back in his comfort zone at second slip, not first – took a comfortable catch. Archer then kept it tight to the right-handed Tom Blundell, and England nearly nabbed another wicket as Blundell took a silly single to Ben Duckett, whose throw was on target until it landed on an old pitch and turned into an off-cutter.
WICKET! Nicholls c Brook b Archer 121 (NZ 261-4)
Justice for Jofra! And redemption for Harry Brook.
58th over: New Zealand 261-3 (Nicholls 121, Mitchell 37) At the Vauxhall end, Root goes for experience in the form of Josh Tongue, who has played 11 Tests. He too starts strongly, finding bounce and movement. Henry Nicholls may have a hundred but he hasn’t got his eye in today, and he takes a blow or two to the fingers. But after having some treatment, he calmly dabs a single to get down the other end. He’s the Ollie Pope figure for NZ, the guy they’d already discarded, but they trusted him to replace Kane Williamson and he’s actually been (whisper it) an upgrade.
Dropped!
57th over: New Zealand 260-3 (Nicholls 120, Mitchell 37) You remember those pictures of Jofra howling with frustration last night? He’s already been doing it again. His first ball is a beauty, squaring up Daryl Mitchell and drawing the edge – which is dropped by Harry Brook at slip. Brook has had such a poor match, bringing one great shot when England needed him to be the senior pro. Archer beats Mitchell next ball, and has a shout for LBW against him (going down). Some of the blame belongs to Root, who started with only one slip, then moved himself back in there afterwards. Along the way, the batters calmly collect eight runs, four from that drop. It’s a cruel game.
The players are out there. Joe Root is chatting to Matt Fisher, whose batting gave England a glimmer of hope yesterday morning. And the ball is with Jofra Archer, who will come gliding in from the pavilion end.
England have also missed Ollie Pope. He was the odd-job man under Stokes, ready to take over as the captain or the keeper, and doing both jobs well enough to attract little comment. With hindsight, he would have been a better understudy for Jamie Smith here than poor James Rew. As would Jonny Bairstow.
On Sky they’re talking about … Ben Stokes. He’s been missed as a captain, standing at mid-off, exuding energy, bigging up the bowler with his belief. He’s been missed as a bowler: this morning, at 250 for three, he would be handing the ball to himself. And he’s even been missed as a batter. Scratchy as he has been recently, he can still stick around, as he showed in Australia. With the bat, Ben Stokes has turned into Ben Foakes – the designated driver in a team of drinkers. The whole package means that when he’s there, England have 12 or 13 players, and when he’s not, they have nine or ten.
If you’d like some action right away, there’s a World Cup match just starting in Southampton. It’s another episode in a long-running series: David v Goliath. Do join Megan Maurice to see if Babette de Leede’s bowlers can rattle Australia’s big names.
Preamble
Morning everyone, or should that be hello darkness, my old friend? For England supporters of a certain age, this match has been a flashback to the Eighties. First the management picked the wrong response to Ben Stokes’ and Gus Atkinson’s big night out, suspending them when Harry Brook had merely been fined for a worse offence, perhaps because the ECB was afraid of looking weak. Then, just as fortune favours the brave, so misfortune homed in on the faint-hearted.
England lost the Player of the Match from Lord’s, Ollie Robinson, to injury and their wicketkeeper, Jamie Smith, to the birth of his second child. Suddenly the team had no spine – no captain, no keeper, no new-ball pair. The selectors put their faith in what Micky Stewart, whose name is on the pavilion at the Oval, once called “a lot of inexperience”. Joe Root found himself not so much the stand-in captain as the babysitter.
The kids were all right at first, then fell apart as Root tried too hard to play the Stokes way and get funky with his fields. The New Zealanders, who are known on the circuit as nice guys, have been far more orthodox and more efficient. By the end of yesterday the crowd was witnessing an unprecedented spectacle: the England Lions being fed to the Christians.
